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Niamah!!!
If you visit here and are wondering why this blog hasn't been updated for eons it's because the writings are now here.
Thank you for visiting.
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What the **)(&*(*^#@&%(*%_(@*&#_*):PLK)(U#)(*@&!!!
You probably noticed by now that I have done some irreparable damage to the format of both my blogs TOKKOK and Niamah!!!
I accepted blogspot's invitation to upgrade to a newer version or something like that. Click, click, click...and then half the stuff on my original blog format disappeared.
No more chat box on TOKKOK. No more counter. No more blog archives.
No more counter and archives on Niamah!!!
NIAMAH!!!
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Half a day at the balai polis
 CEPAT? Not really la.
12 noon
I arrive at the Balai Polis Taman Melawati thinking that since I live in Ulu Klang that was the balai for me. I was told this by some lawyer who, when I remember his name, I shall go kick him in the nuts. When I walked through the door of the balai I was greeted by smiling officers, one corporal, one lance corporal and 2 constables who invited me to make myself comfortable while they attended to preceding report makers first. The office was air-conditioned although it still looked like a typical Malaysian government department mess.
Prior to my arrival at the balai i I had typed out my report at home and printed it out. I thought this would save some time for myself and some grief for the officer who would most probably be computer/keyboard challenged.
When my turn came I handed my printed account of the incident to the constable who immediately grimaced when he realised that it was in English. He took great pains to read what I had written in plain and very simple English. I know because he was reading my writing aloud one word at a time. After some 3 or 4 lines the corporal advised, "Bagi la Encik Patrick. Dia boleh type sendiri kan?" Okay. Sure. The P.C. (the one in uniform not the one on the desk) turned the monitor to face me and surrendered his keyboard. I proceeded to re-type what I had already done at home. They cannot accept that you see. They have to enter the report into their system. Scanning and all I presumed was a 'tak boleh'. When I was almost through typing the monitor screen blinked once and all my words disappeared from the screen into cyberspace. This caused the corporal to burst into raucous laughter. Though not aimed to make fun of me. He said that this kind of thing sometimes happens and instructed me to type the whole thing all over again. I did and finally managed to finish my report.
The P.C. took back control of his p.c. and proceeded with another attempt to read my report. He gave up halfway through the first paragraph and hit the print button. Printed two copies of the report and handed one to the lance corporal behind him who then went into another room and returned minutes later with a photostated copy and a receipt which she handed to me and politely requested, "Dua Ringgit." I paid and became increasing confused as to where the whole exercise was going to take me.
That was when the corporal, an older, slightly overweight jolly gent informed me that there is a balai that's closer to where I live. Oh really? Thanks. And by the way, that's where you should go next time you have something to report that happened in the area where you live because that's their jurisdiction.
What???!!! You mean I have to....Yes you have to go over there and do it all over again. Why? Because the I.O. (investigating officer is there ma) What the...!!! But okay la at least the flers at Balai Polis Tmn. Melawati were pleasant and parking was a breeze.
12.50 p.m.
I arrive at the balai polis in AU (which stands for Ampang Ulu Klang as I found out after 6 years of living in the area).
Big balai. New. Fresh paint. Air-con. Smiling officers at the reception desk. I was guided to the first floor where I met the I.O. a young inspector who was clearly not having the best of days. He had the flu and to make his day he was nursing a toothache too. Anyway, back to the story...
He invited me into his office. Took one look at the copy of my report and didn't even bother trying to read English and asked me to verbally explain to him what happened. I did and he listened intently. When I had finished. He was quiet for a moment and turned to his p.c. (the one on his desk not the one in uniform), stared at the monitor for a moment and then asked me to repeat what I had told him for the past 5 minutes! Sigh. I did. He typed. What I don't know.
Another 5 minutes of regurgitating the story later he turned to me and began to ask me a series of questions the answers to which were in what I had been telling him for the past 10 minutes! But I focussed on the smiling officers, the air-conditioning and the easy parking and how the current IGP has been trying to make a difference and did as he requested. As I spoke he poked at the keys of the p.c. and proceeded to type my narration into his computer. Unfortunately, the good inspector was one of those slothly one finger typists. 20 minutes later he was done. He asked if I had anything to add. I said no and he hit the print button. He gave me the printed statement and asked me to read it before signing it. That was when I discovered that he had left out a crucial part of my report. Oh.
He asked me what he had left out. I told him and he began typing again. Very slowly. After 10 minutes I impatiently asked him if he was typing the whole thing again or just my addendum. He replied the former. Huh???!!! Why la dei? System is like that. Once saved cannot alter. Must type new one. Okay. Another 20 minutes. All done. Print. Check. Everything there. Thank you.
Now, what happens ah, encik?
Errrr...now I will speak to my superior officer and then we will decide what to do about your complaint. What???!!!
As I was leaving his office the young inspector did offer a piece of advice. Move out from my apartment to avert any future dangers to my children and family. Well, thank you very much mister investigating officer inspector with the flu and toothache. You have a nice day too..
2.38 pm
I drove out of the free parking lot of the Balai Polis AU.
So after almost 3 hours I was nowhere close to resolving my problem. But the parking was easy and the rooms were cool. Thank you.
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Enough of tokking kok
First of all, my sincere apologies to all the visitors to Tokkok who've been faithfully checking in but not finding any new posts since January 2007. Several reasons for this. Time is one. Inclination is another. The chat box seems to be doing well though. Thanks for the chat's, people. It is a good feeling to come here and see your chatbox comments.
Well, I have to announce that there will be no more Tokkok. For a while more anyway.
The time for tokking kok is over. The time has come to say Niamah!!! And DO something. Boycott racist banks. Call, email, write and vote out good-for-nothing members of parliament. Demand answers. Do not tolerate incompetence, mediocrity, bad government. Speak up for what is right. Exercise your vote in the elections. Speak up as Malaysians...
"I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" (from the MGM film Network)
"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." ( V for Vendetta)
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All done in under 2 hours!!!
 (Wah! All done with friendly, efficient service in under 2 hours. Syabas! Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju.)
Photo courtesy of TV Smith
Ladies and germs, I am in shock today. I?d had an experience in a government office, which I never thought was possible. My visit to the Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju to renew my international passport was actually a no-fuss and stress-free and pleasurable experience.
When I set off with my friend, TV Smith this morning I was frankly quite skeptical. I had read in the news papers that since Pak Lah?s ?lightning visit? to the Immigration Department last year things have improved by leaps and bounds and the department had actually become efficient and service-oriented. Of course, the past few days the department had also released statements about their new express services. Passports renewed within the hour and so on. Never mind. I was still skeptical.
TV Smith and I decided to go the new immigration office in Wangsa Maju that had been in the news for their fast, efficient service. TV had rung up the Immigration HQ in Putrajaya to ask for directions and was pleasantly surprised when the lady who answered the phone gave clear directions to the office in Wangsa Maju. So we set off for Wangsa Maju. We drove around for about 30 minutes and didn?t find anything resembling an office complex much less a spanking new Immigration Department branch. We stopped by the side of the road and called Putrajaya again. This time nobody picked up the phone. After several failed attempts TV called the office in Pusat Bandar Damansara. We were told that the office we were looking for is NOT in Wangsa Maju but in Setapak Jaya. This time the person gave us a block by block verbal map to Wisma Rampai in Setapak Jaya where the branch office is located. Thank you.
The week old office is situated in a decrepit building and appeared the only new and efficient looking operation there. Well, except for the Chinese aunty who operates the photocopying and photo taking shop next door. Upon entering the office we were assaulted by a blast of cool air which smelt clean and fresh. Being a well trained Malaysian I headed straight to the nombor giliran counter where I was faced with a surly looking man who obviously wasn?t interested in anything other than the approaching tea break. Upon learning the purpose of my visit he informed me that I had to fill in a form which he will give me in exchange for RM1 and get photo copies of my NRIC before he would give me a nombor giliran. I later deduced that he was surly only because he probably didn?t like my face. When approached by TV Smith he was smiling and even addressed TV as ?bro?! Maybe I cut him off on Radio 4. Other than Mr. Sourpuss all the other counter staff I dealt with were very pleasant. And they all smiled sincerely and were eager to be of service. I got my nombor giliran, filled borang, paid the RM300 renewal fee and was told to come back in 2 hours. Huh? Wasn?t the claim that it could be done in an hour or less? The officer patiently informed me, smiling, that they will try their best and that most of the time it would be completed well within that time. It was just that they were ?playing safe? (their words). Okay. The time was 11.43 a.m.
We went to have something to eat at one of the many restaurants and eateries nearby. When we returned the clock in the Immigration office showed 1.05 p.m. I asked at the counter if my passport was ready for collection. It wasn?t. But they were still within the 2 hour limit. Finally, my number was called at 1.25 p.m. and I collected my renewed passport from a lady who identified herself as a Pegawai Imigresen Tinggi after TV asked what the prefix PIT on her name tag meant.
All done within 2 hours. And the air in the office was cool and fresh and they even have a room set aside for nursing mothers. Now when was the last time you experienced a customer friendly, service-oriented government department?
Up side
Fast and efficient service.
Cool, fresh and clean environment.
Friendly, efficient staff.
Comfortable seating.
Room for nursing mothers.
A conspicuous absence of the infamous A4 paper signs.
Lots of restaurants and eateries in the area catering to all races.
Down side
The office is called Jabatan Immigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju. But it is NOT in Wangsa Maju. It is in Setapak Jaya.
The office is located in a decrepit building.
The writing counters have no pens or pencils.
The building has an AutoPay parking system with only one machine which only accepts RM1 notes and 50 sen coins.
Another plus for Malaysians is that this Immigration office is flanked by a JPN office for identity cards and stuff.
As we were leaving I overheard one gentleman, ?Lesen. Lesen mana??
They don?t do driving licences there.
(Niamah!!! Moments from the visit to Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju here.)
 (The Jabatan Imigresen, Cawangan Wangsa Maju. Remember, it's not in Wangsa Maju. It's in Setapak Jaya.)
Photo courtesy of TV Smith
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Happy New Year!!!
 (Adam and Laura wishing you a Happy New Year!)
Well, here goes?Happy New Year everybody. For the past few days I have been debating with myself if I will use the standard greeting for the start to 2007 and been tempted to drag out the lame old joke? ?So what?s so happy about it?? But good manners dictate that I should not do that to otherwise more optimistic fellow-Malaysians. Personally I am not so ?happy? about the coming of the new year la. Because ah?think about it?what?s been happening in the last year that would qualify this as being a start to a ?happy? year? Nothing much, right? I mean rising prices don?t make me happy. Racial polarisation doesn?t make me happy. Political hams (and I don?t mean this in a haram sort of way, thank you) who play to the galleries with sharp-edged props and who are then allowed to continue to head our nation?s education system, positively make me very UN-happy. You?
But you know, as I sat watching the fireworks exploding in the surrounds of the distant Twin Towers and drank more haram stupor inducing alcohol I began to think that maybe things won?t be so bad in 2007.
Well, for one thing I think the Visit Malaysia Year 2007 campaign is going to be an overwhelmingly success. Forget about just being Truly Asia. We are UNIQUE man! There?s no other place on earth where you can find what you can discover and enjoy in Malaysia man!
Forget Las Vegas. Forget Monte Carlo. Forget about Singapore in 2010. Come to Malaysia in 2007 for the most exciting games of chance ever invented.
Your body, my body. The latest hit (pardon the pun) game for all the family. Kill yourself or get a friend to do it for you. Lay bets on who?s going to get your mortal remains. It could be a short game or a long drawn out one involving months of court action and possibly millions in winnings for either party.
Forget Blackjack. Forget Baccarrat. Play Illegal Mansions. Instead of chips, buy a piece of land in the world?s newest ?developed state? (side bets taken on your ability to decipher just what the fuck that means) build your dream castle without bothering with such trivial details as planning permission. See how long you can play before your mansion is demolished. If you escape demolition you win!!! It?s not as tough as it sounds. Try it. Even simple ex-flag wavers for the railroad have played and won.
Win instant national, regional and international recognition. Take part in the most popular game in Bolehland?Here?s My Foot In My Mouth Suggestion of the Month Game. It?s an easy game to play but hard to win and the odds are low. Well, unless you can come up with better ones than these past winners?
***Give awards to Muslim men who agree to take widowed or divorced women as 2nd or 3rd wives.
*** Women are responsible for crimes such as rape because they dress provocatively and bring trouble onto themselves. (Good one to put your money on because it is a perennial winner)
*** Wishing each other Merry Christmas, Happy Deepavalli (a Hindu festival) or Gong Xi Fa Cai will condemn you to an eternity in Hell.
Thrill Rides. Forget about Magic Mountain. Forget Disney World. Forget Bunjee Jumping. Come to Malaysia for the thrill rides of your life. What?s a triple or quadruple loops rollercoaster? Just get on a Malaysian highway for the thrills of your life. Guaranteed to give you more than just white knuckles. And you DO bet your life on it!
For a more relaxed gaming experience try You Want To See My Marriage Certificate? Sign up for a weekend retreat to one of Malaysia?s island resorts. Book into a 6-star hotel or better still go all the way and buy your own luxury condominium. Place bets on whether you will get visits from ?authorities? demanding to physically sight marriage certificates. You win if you convince the ?house? that you and your partner are a) married and can prove it. b) you are merely showing him/her your etchings and that there are a cat and 2 Indonesian maids and a Bangladeshi gardener in the same room at the time. Or c) you are a foreign investor testing out Malaysia?s human resources.
Come to Malaysia for the best laughs. Forget Leno, Letterman, Seinfeld. READ A MALAYSIAN NEWSPAPER! Or better still come during parliamentary season and watch some comedy masters at work for free. For seating and show times visit the Malaysian parliamentary website
And the Biggest Game of All. Small bets. BIG winnings.
Try to identify a Malaysian without resorting to color, race or religion. Or visits to the National Zoo. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. The bets are on.
Malaysia Truly Asia? Nah. Why should we be just truly Asia? I mean man we?re UNIQUE! I for one am not going to be shy about stealing a line from Singapore. They?re not unique. We are. Uniquely Malaysia. Better still? ONLY IN MALAYSIA! Okay la so it?s not original. But so true what. Where else la dei?
Okay, got some more leh?wait ah. I go and pour myself another drin?Eh? Empty already? Baarger! 200 Ringgit don?t buy much whiskey these days man. Shit!
Happy New Year.
(This article first appeared in a very slightly different form in the January 2007 issue of Off The Edge)
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Niamah!!!
(Adam: NIAMAH!!!)
NIAMAH! My other blog dedicated to the little things in life in Bolehland.
NIAMAH! Say it out LOUD. It's therapeutic.
www.niamah.blogspot.com
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MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE TEOH'S PATRICK, MIN, LAURA AND ADAMPEACE ON EARTH AND GOODWILL TO ALL MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY FELLOW MALAYSIANS MUSLIM HINDU BUDDHIST TAOIST ATHEIST CHRISTIAN TEA-POT FLERS TURKEY-EATERS SO ARREST ME! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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Merry Christmas Everyone?
 (Adam: Sigh. Please wake me up when it's over.)
I suppose that if our Malay friends and fellow citizens of Bolehland on the island of Penang celebrated Christmas they would indeed have a Jolly Christmas this year. Today?s NST carried the front page headline, ?HOMES IN PRIME AREAS FOR PENANG MALAYS?. (Wow! Great sensational journalism by the NST flers. Keep it up and the NST?s circulation will overtake the tired old Star very soon.)
For those of you who have been asleep since 1957 here?s some background to that. Some months ago somebody up there in Pulau Pinang complained that the Gerakan led government wasn?t doing enough for the Malays on the island. Among the grouses was that the Malays could not afford to own homes in the prime housing areas of Penang. Of course any intelligent thinking person would have deduced that homes in prime areas cost more than others. That?s why they are called prime areas. And to buy them means that you have to work hard at something, succeed, make lots of money, then go buy the homes in the prime areas. But here in Bolehland that obviously isn?t the methodology. ?Give me! I want!? seems to be enough to get the machinery chugging to grant the demands. Better than a magic wand if you ask me.
So how is it going to work for our friends in Penang? I read the NST story on page 16 but only after swallowing a Valium pill. Just in case, you know.
Second Finance, Minister Tan Sri Nor Mohd. Yakop announced that Pelabuhan Hartanah Bumiputera Berhad would purchase 3 parcels of land in ?prime? areas to be developed into ?affordable? housing and commercial lots for the Malays of Penang. The land was purchased from Island and Peninsula and TNB at what the minister terms ?below the market price? (read whatever you want into that line and weep at why they didn?t do the same thing for the classic heritage Bok House in KL to save it from demolition) The minister also announced that the government was in the process of working out an innovative mechanism to ensure Bumiputeras, especially from the lower income group, would be able to buy the units. 2 questions here. Why would the lower income group want homes in ?prime? areas where everything else would be more expensive and where they would feel like second class residents among million Ringgit condominiums and bungalows with swimming pools? It?s like building low cost housing in Bangsar and Bukit Tunku. If you move lower income residents into a prime housing area wouldn?t that mean that the area would eventually become ?non-prime?? Then how?
Hey there you are! You?re in a prime area now so what else you want? Isn?t this teaching the people to rely on handouts rather than to achieve and improve? You want to live in prime areas? Ok we give you la. Then you will always remain in the same shit state of mind so you will continue to vote for us. And?wait a minute! Ah maybe those politicians aren?t that stupid after all. Silly me! Hey listen I am 100% for the NEP and helping our deserving Bumiputera brethren but I don?t think this is the way to go man.
Towards the end of the NST article it was read that a trust was formed with RM2billion to ensure that real estate beyond the reach of the Malays could be purchased by way of a collective fund. Huh??? There?s probably some hidden wisdom for the good of our country behind this. But I?m sorry, folks. It escapes me. It just makes me really upset, as a citizen of this country to hear things like that. Real estate beyond the reach of the Malays to be purchased by a collective fund??? So how is that going to help in the development of a people? Sigh. That?s the way it is these days. Ask and you shall be given.
?Tis the season to be jolly! But there isn?t really very much to be jolly about as we prepare to celebrate the season.
Samy Velu has already announced that our toll rates are among the lowest in the world. Of course he didn?t tell you that in countries that have higher toll charges you don?t have to pay the toll and then be confronted by blood vessel popping traffic jams right after you pay. And also, being Samy Velu, he told us that highway companies couldn?t recover their investments if there are no increases. Huh? Like the FUCK I care. It?s business isn?t it? You want the contract to build and operate highways you do your projections. And when your proposal is approved you?re on your own. Go shoot yourself and your board of directors if after a few years you realise that you?d made a mistake in your calculations.
Some other clown has said that our taxi fares are among the lowest in the region. Maybe true but the same clown didn?t say that we can only benefit from that if we can find a taxi driver who doesn?t ask, ?pegi mana? Tak boleh ah. Jam la.? Or ?Mahu pegi Ampang ah? 30 Ringgit? for a 5 Ringgit ride on the meter.
Another red-nosed entertainer has told us that water rates need to be increased because the privatised company trusted with providing us with H2O has suddenly realised that they had taken on too many debts that they cannot pay back. So? The government wants to privatise water supply. You want the job and bid for it. You get it. So get on with your job and your business. Ask your consumers to pay for your mistakes?
And our government is spending millions of our money to send some joker into space and have the opportunity to call him an astronaut when he is just a paying space tourist. Well one thing to be jolly about is that at least they have done away with the teh tarik stunt after providing the entire world with laughs for a while.
They are going to build a multi-million Ringgit sports complex in England to train our sportsmen and women when millions of other talented Malaysians still have to kick a soccer ball on gravelly lanes and beside longkangs.
And the list goes on and on and on.
A Merry Christmas everyone?
P/S Oh yes, and don't forget that the PM has now allegedly bought himself a yacht that cost RM30 million on a PM's salary of...what? RM30,000 a month?
A Merry, Merry Christmas Everybody!!!
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Castles In The Air
 (Adam doing his impression of myopic Malaysian leaders.)
UPDATED. SEE BELOW.
Did you see the artist's impression of the soon-to-built new Istana Negara? It?s on the front page of The Star Tuesday 14 November, 2006
 When I first saw it I thought I was looking at some Arabian stud farm. I don?t know why I thought Arabian stud farm but I did. Also it looks like it is set to be built in the middle of some arid wasteland to rival Putrajaya. If you look at the photo of the model you will notice the bare landscape but of course just like in all Malaysian architectural endeavors, in this model there are actually little shrub-like things that we are supposed to think of as trees and greenery.
Reminds me of a time when a Singaporean friend laughed at us Malaysians. ?Wah, you flers very optimistic leh. You plant those pathetic twigs in the ground and pray that they will grow into real trees issit?? We do that don?t we? Cut the big old trees down. Plant little saplings and then water them with hope and neglect. Okay la these days they have somehow taken to planting palm trees instead. Don?t look good. Don?t provide shade. In other words, worth shit to nobody. Anyway, I am digressing. Back to the Istana Negara baru?
I have never been good at math. But this really confuses the hell out of me la. Okay, the 9th Malaysia Plan has been allocated RM200billion or something like that, right? And I read today that that amount has almost been spent! Okay, that money is for doing great stuff. Eradicating poverty, building schools, hospitals, infrastructure. You know, stuff that help to take us towards that Vision 2020 dream of becoming First World. And when you come to think of it that way, RM200billion ain?t a lot of money these days. Especially since our Ringgit is worth close to horse manure outside of Bolehland. So when I read that the government was planning to spend RM400million to build a new palace to house the Malaysian king, the Yang Dipertuan Agung, I was a little peeved. Wouldn?t you be? And the news of this latest Bolehland effort to throw more of the taxpayers money down the toilet came too close to the debacle of the Klang flers and their million Ringgit mansions.
The reason that the Klang fler gave for building his horrendous mansion was that he had to house a rather large family. 11 children and 11 grandchildren or something like that. Oh yes, he also said that he had included a surau in the mansion which he fully intended to let his neighbours, who were all living in less than shanty town conditions around his edifice, use 5 times a day for prayers. In this respect the Klang fler had more reason for his folly than the government for spending money on large buildings. Approved or otherwise. Why? Read the reasons given for wanting a new Istana Negara.
?We need a new palace with bigger space. Currently, the Balai Rong Seri of Istana Negara is also used as dining and meeting rooms. One room for multiple use is just inadequate??Works Minister, Datuk Seri Samy Velu. Why???
The Balai Rong Seri is being used BOTH for meetings and dinners? Yay! Great. Maximise usage. Save money. I am sure that palace officials who are worth anything will know not to plan dinners and meetings at the same time. Actually, why not? Dinner meetings or meetings over food has been a Malaysian thing since Parameswara and his members sat under a tree chowing down and decided to make Melaka their home.
And unlike the Klang fler?s mansion I don?t think the neighbours are going to be allowed to take their evening stroll on the grounds of this place.
And in the photo of the launch which had the PM and the DPM present even the King appears to be telling old Samy that the place is too big.
 ?See? We cut it in half like this. Save some money for the rakyat, Samy.?
I wish it was really funny. But it isn?t.
What is happening to my country?
And why are clowns getting away with murder?
UPDATE Monday November 27, 2006
Just so the Malaysian rakyat do not feel left out of the goodies handout, good old Samy has just announced that toll rates for five highways will go up on Jan 1 next year. Why? The government can no longer afford to subsidise toll increases. Surprise! Surprise!
Maybe the money saved will be used to help those 1,555 schools in the rural and interior areas of the country that still do not have water and electricity.
I know. Sometimes I am an optimist.
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